At the end of February I totaled up the amount of time I had spent away from home. The mental calculation led me to realize that I had spent a massive amount of time away from Saratoga Springs, throughout 3 months. In fact, December had a markedly high time away than the other months. My reasoning that month was that the holidays were upon me and I wanted to spend that time with my family. The only real reason I ever returned was for my meetings, a ward activity, or for a date. Those were the sole reasons I found to return for a month. January showed slight improvement. I went to Salina once a week, often a Thursday-Saturday situation. The February brought on a dramatic regression. I spent much more time in Salina than in Saratoga Springs, almost as much time as in December. I was helping on the farm and spending time with family, etc, but I was not where I should have been. Toward the end of February I reached the conclusion that I really need to stay in or near Saratoga Springs for whatever reason the Lord may have for bringing me here.
So for three months I spent time with and helped family; I was busy enough. This month has provided a new, interesting challenge, that of keeping myself occupied and busy with something productive and useful. Sadly, I gave way to laziness and idleness. I've grown fat, so to speak, on the labors of hard-working, tax-paying fellow Americans. I've stayed home, stymied by the fact that I have yet to be called onto some construction job. I've spent more than a healthy amount of time watching or listening to television. My passiveness was occasionally interrupted by a church function or a conversation with a friend on facebook.
I did begin personal exercise some 10 days ago. This was incredible. I loved getting out and doing something, slightly early in the morning. However, I still fell back into the comfort of passivity soon thereafter. Last week I began volunteering at a local elementary school as an aide in a fifth grade classroom. I began to give of my time and talents, even for a short time. I regressed and failed to exercise at all last week.
The end of the week did arrive and I spent a fair amount of time in contemplation and thoughtful pondering. I noticed the decline in my discipline and character that such stifling idleness had introduced. I realized that now more than ever I need to get back to working. This has weighed heavily on my conscience ever since.
Perhaps weightier still was a thought on a previous post, the one where I detailed what I would like in my spouse (please note the "would like" distinction). The list appeared in my mind. That list of high hopes only stayed for but a moment. A moment was all it took for me to realize that though I wanted some great and strong qualities I was not living them myself. I became afraid, afraid that though I may very well now be in the right place at the right time I'm not doing the right things. It hasn't been the lack of a job that's killed many strong and good attributes I used to carry; rather I gave in to the ease of remaining on the couch watching TV and playing games. That sincerely scares me. Few things strike such worry upon me. The well-being of friends and family certainly tops the list. Then, a close second, would be not being ready to meet someone incredible. I've met many people over the last year and a half. Several deserve the utmost respect and admiration. Then I set out and decided that I'd like to marry someone like that. But the lingering question, "am I ready for and worthy of her?" is unsettling.
This has sparked a renewed desire to obtain work and discipline myself back into who I used to be.
Then a new concern rose out of a conversation with Aunt Cris. I won't bore with the details of what we talked about but I will mention her observation/counsel. The guys often need to remember that she will have the final say on many things. Her voice should be the loudest (without ever raising) and her light should be the brightest of the two of them. Not saying that a husband should be weak and second-in-command, but that he should be elogiating her and accentuating her strengths. Therefor, it is vitally important that the guy fit into the woman's life. It's essential that she know he will fit into her life and lifestyle.
This leads me to wonder how I will balance the two ideas of finding someone amazing with similar core values and standards while at the same time making sure she is well aware that I fit into her life and want to be a part of it. Dating is going to take on a whole new perspective.
With all this pondering, thinking, and deciding (some of coming out as negative motivation) I've had to remind myself of some key ideas and scriptures. Both Moroni and Paul pointed out that "perfect love casteth out fear". Okay, no more fear of things, in particular my situation (both social and occupational). Aside from the scriptures teaching of the hope that the Atonement of Christ brings is the one-liner from Moroni 6:8 "But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven". Noting which sins and transgressions I repeat has filled me with dread from time to time. This scripture restores hope. It returns faith. I feel motivated to get out of bed and resume work and outdoor activity.
"It's a new world, it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of a young heart,
It's a new day, it's a new plan
I've been waiting for you,
Here I am."
-Bryan Adams, Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron soundtrack
Work is healthy. Even if it's not the most fulfilling job ever, it will probably put you to use in some way, and help prevent you from stagnating. It's also good to start saving money as early as possible, and the income will allow to you donate to good causes.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of projects, large or small, that give me satisfaction not only to complete but even just to work on. Unfortunately, when I have extra time on my hands, like a day off of work, I sometimes tend to relax a bit too much, and I end up accomplishing less than I would have if I'd gone to work.
I also look at myself, just about to turn 30, and know that I could have done more with myself in life. I'm not doing all that poorly, with a wife and two (almost three) kids, a bachelor's degree, a job with the potential for a career, and an honorably served mission, and various other less notable accomplishments, but I know I could have done a lot more. I think about someone who "received his doctorate degree at age 26, and is teaching at the age of 28" or has accomplished X at the age of Y, and realize that I've let a lot of valuable time slip past me. I know that some things are more important than others, and that my family is more important than any worldly accomplishment, but people who also extend themselves to accomplish things improve themselves in the process. In today's world, there are limitless opportunities to distract and entertain ourselves, and many of them keep us idle. TV, video games, and the internet are among the biggest modern distractions that are truthfully unnecessary to our lives and our eternal progression. Some people these days (quite a few, actually) invest most of their daily lives into things like online games. These games include virtual accomplishments, but ultimately, these people spend great deals of invaluable time on something that disappears entirely when the electricity turns off or when the server goes down. If I build a stone wall, it will probably get knocked down one day, but I build my own character in doing it, and that is eternal.
The internet is a tool, and can be used for good or bad. TV and video games are entertainment; I'm certain that we don't absolutely need them because people got on for thousands of years without them and still had as much reason to hope for salvation as we do. Jeri Lynn and I have almost never even had TV in our home. I hear people talking about some show or another, and Jeri Lynn has a Facebook friend that regularly gives quotes from one show, so it's clear that people really like the stuff, but I know I don't need it. There are some video games that I really like, but I realize that even something that I really like can be detrimental to me.
Wasn't it nice as a missionary to learn how happy we can be even without a lot of the things we otherwise have in our lives?
I hope you don't mind my lengthy response. Sometimes I get going, and it's nice to discuss important things.
By the way, you stumped me with the word "elogiating".