Monday, September 21, 2009

A small correction

I've mentioned a maelstrom of emotion in which I find myself. I also believe I identified my anchor as being Christ. That I must correct. Christ is not nor can He be my anchor. My faith in Him is my anchor. He cannot be my anchor because He is my captain.
I find I must put my trust in my Captain. He has weathered the stormiest of seas and knows how to make it across. I must feel utter confidence in Him. Yet in this malevolent storm I found myself faltering. I must have lifted my anchor. Something came about that shook me.
It was through some enlightened reading and meditation that I found comfort. My anchor is falling back into the deep confines of the ocean and will soon root itself on the floor.
I considered staying home Saturday after a change came about in my plans. I felt like wallowing in the down feelings. I have found that in those very depressing moments the best thing to combat my low-point is to do that which I exactly no longer feel like doing. So I went out. I enjoyed myself. And the moment passed. :)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

A continuation of the last blog...

Did I fail to mention that because some of my best friends have moved away a new opportunity has arisen? Being that I attend an LDS Young Single Adult ward there are many many new people with whom I can speak and visit. There are many new friendships that can be cultivated and developed. This is a golden opportunity. I'm excited at the prospects of making new friends and touching new lives.
So why do I still feel a little hesitant this time? I love meeting new people and making new friends. I almost revel the same and in the change that comes with newness. I think it's because I'm beginning to feel a stronger loyalty to someone. I'm starting to hold back a little because I found someone that just seemed to complete me...and I'm still hanging onto that person.
On another note, I've decided that I like the iTunes store. In the last couple of months I've found a few songs that I had heard long ago or with which I have some association with a strong memory. This made me happy, very happy. Almost jubilant in fact. I didn't think I would honestly find these songs or find them available for purchase and personal enjoyment. When I did find them I wasn't very hesitant in paying a whole $.99 per song.
So here's a list of the songs I've purchased recently
Perfect-Maren Ord
Sarah-Maren Ord
All I Want-Maren Ord
Beautiful-Maren Ord
Swallow-Maren Ord
Harsh Words-Maren Ord
Just Like You-Maren Ord
Tonight-Maren Ord
Relate To-Maren Ord
Waiting-Maren Ord
Speak-Maren Ord
Everyday-Maren Ord
(I bought the whole album in case you're wondering)
Amigo Apaixonado-Victor e Leo
Healing Waters-????
Book of Days-Enya
Only If-Enya
Paint the Sky With Stars-Enya
Storms in Africa-Enya
The Celts-Enya
I'm a music junkie. I like easy-listening music, but on occasion I can "rock-out". I'll write all about that stuff next time.

Monday, September 7, 2009

I'm not sure if I made this point, but I decided that my blog was created for the intent of having a place to write in a verbose form. This is my English writing outlet. It has become and exists for me to compose my newest pieces of literature. I'm loving it. This is good for me. It pushes my intellect to the point of a slight headache. Sure I must recover for some time, but it's of great benefit to me. The stretching of one's intellect is as the stretching of one's muscles; the more you do it, the stronger you become. The more often you lift weights the larger the quantity of weight said muscles can elevate (that's me trying to sound intelligent).
Also, I'm not yet certain if I mentioned that I have a hard time seeing my friends leave. I saw one leave about a month ago. That was hard, as was described in my last post. I said see you later to a friend last week. This week I said goodbye to another. I have a hard time doing that, especially since all three of them are great friends that in some way touched my life and taught me something.
I believe that may be my weakness. I become strongly attached to the people that change my life, that touch my heart. I hope they'll be there always, just as I want to be there for them. Is it such a bad thing? I would say not.
C. S. Lewis once said something like this "just as Jesus said ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen ye, the same could be said of our friends. We have not chosen them, but they were chosen for us." I believe the right people come into our lives at the right time and more often than not they are a Godsend. My conviction is that from there we can and should hang onto the ones we wish to.
Last Monday I went to a concert and heard the incredible Daniel Beck sing "You Raise Me Up". I closed my eyes because I know the lyrics to a certain degree and I thought on the meaning of the words. I began having a flashback of all those I could think of in a short time period, all those who have had some impact on my life. I didn't mind it; I reveled in it. I was almost brought to tears. So many people have come in, and several have left, but I still cling to those I wish to. I want them to stay.
On another note, I would rather make things happen than let them happen. Letting things happen is very passive. In a more modern day the Lord said "Verily I say unto you that men must be engaged in a good cause, doing many things of their own free will..." I'd just as soon make it happen by my own choice than let it simply come. Mine is the power and mine is the choice.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A whirlwind of emotions . . .

So the other night I had an edifying conversation with my dear Aunt Cristy. Besides being my aunt she is also my landlord and a close adviser. She rents the whole third floor of her house (which consists of a separate living room, an exercise area, a full bathroom, a guest room, and a bedroom), all to me for a lower than normal price. Call it the family discount. Call it nepotism. Call it what you wish. I adore her for letting me rent part of her home. Even better is the counsel and advice she gives me from time to time.
Of late I've thought upon many subjects, all of which are worthy of my time. Before serving my full-time mission in Brazil I admit taking interest in a couple of young ladies. My mind was firmly set, however, that I would not steady date before returning from a faithfully-served mission to my Lord. So I kept my distance. I developed a couple of friendships and even held onto hope that something might happen when I returned. Then I found myself in the Saratoga Springs young single adult ward. I went to a YSA Conference and the after-dance. I loved it. I walked out of the dance with a phone number. Thus began my experience in the world of post-mission dating.
I've had several interests since that conference (which was back in May), but a couple have always stayed with me.
One I spent a month chasing down and taking out and taking dinner to just because I wanted to and I was found worthy of a week. That week passed by too fast and the steady relationship ended. I spent time regaining my composure and control over my emotions and we had a talk. I was okay with the situation or so I thought. I thought I was over the habit, but every time I drive by the place of her former employ, I feel strange not stopping with a snack, a treat, or a sandwich of some kind. Most days I drive by the road that goes to the home of her family and I still feel drawn to drive that street. She's gone to school out of state so she's no longer here.
It's hard to drive by these locations and not stop to see her anymore. Even harder I think was when we met in Ogden so we could say goodbye. That's not entirely true though. I maintained my stoic composure while we stood embraced and just visited while her ride saw to his necessities. I tried to be strong after she drove away and I went my own direction. Dad offered to drive to my home, but I insisted that I drive. I needed to try my strength I suppose. I wanted to test it, to the very limit. And I wanted to test it of my own free will. I didn't make it far.
I've never actually felt like that often. Nor was I expecting to. We broke up a couple of weeks before she left and I went on vacation for a while, with the hope that being away would break the habits and I could move on smoothly. Oh was I ever wrong. Going my own way I felt a sharp stab in my heart. No pinprick, ache, or smart. A full-on, hard-set open wound. The radio was playing a love song and I couldn't hold back much longer.
"Dad, please change the station," I begged.
"I asked if you wanted me to drive," he replied as he searched for another station. It was already too late. I could feel the tears well up and begin to run down my face. My strength was quickly waning as I faced head-on this storm of the heart. Once Dad found a different station, he tried changing the subject. It took me a few minutes but I finally distracted myself enough to take my mind off her. I found myself excited to see an old friend, whom I had not seen for almost three years. But she was still lingering in the back of my mind, always there.
And through the other young ladies I've felt an attraction to since, she has always remained there. Some days she even comes to the front of my mind. Okay, most days. She and I quickly developed a habit of text messaging early in our friendship and that has not as yet been broken.
The recent storm finds me vacillating from one person to the next. I still have some friendships that I wouldn't mind cultivating more. However, the friendship with her is stronger still. I hope it will be. We kept chatting by text and once in a while I'll call her. I admit missing her, more than I thought I would. I thought I would move on quickly.
Perhaps it really was an open wound. I asked God for and even fasted to be healed. I thought I had been. Perhaps the Master Physician had healed me and I refused to let the sore be so that it could scar over and heal completely. Maybe He placed a band-aid there. I honestly don't think so however. I think He calmed my mind but let my heart remain open to the possibility that the relationship might rekindle.
The storm is in wanting to cultivate several relationships but liking them more than I had ought to. Or maybe that's the temptation. My approach to resolving the issue would suggest this is my perception. I maintain several friendships, but my primary interest is currently out of state studying.
I still find myself wondering some days. The questions come out of the blue, out of nothing. I take that as either inspiration or temptation. If inspiration, I believe it's meant to make me question and reaffirm my desires. If temptation, it is meant to test my strength. The wondering brings on an intense emotional storm and my solution I've shared with a couple of people. One of those was my dear Aunt Cristy. What is my strategy? Drop anchor, pull in my sails, tie-off my life-line, and hang tight. The portion of my cargo or supplies on deck that might be lost will be lost and let go. My anchor will hold my ship tight. The sails will be tightened so as not to be torn to shreds. My life-line will keep me on my ship. Simply I shall ride the storm out and wait for the light to break through the darkness.
The gospel of Jesus Christ anchors me. My goals and desires give place for the wind to blow my life where I want it to go. The Lord himself is my life-line. The storm will pass and the light will come through. My life will once again ride forward and progress. For now I'm holding tight.

Friday, September 4, 2009

My first post

I was reading a blog and felt as though writing my own would be of great benefit to me.
I noticed the feelings that were written and wondered if I could learn to express myself
in the same manner. Strange that I learned to speak Portuguese and learned to be very
expressive in my way of speaking. I learned to say what I felt and say it clearly. All this
I accomplished in but a year, maybe two while I served the Brazilian people. One
of my greatest desires since returning from Brazil was to be able to do the same in English.
Sadly I am like most people and have been stubborn in taking up some form of English
expression. The truth is that I love Portuguese, more than I initially realized. My daily
prayers to God are still done in Portuguese. My study of holy scripture is also in Portuguese.
My random journal entries are written in Portuguese. My thoughts often come through in
Portuguese. I work with Mexicans who speak Spanish and I understand them by cross-
translating from Spanish to Portuguese which I fluently understand. This beloved language
permeates everything. Even in those strange hours when I do not want others to understand
me or I become frustrated, I say it in Portuguese. I feel as though I cannot regain or improve
my English fluency without letting some of this go.
Yet, as much as any addict refuses to let go of their self-inflicted misery, I also wish to retain
Portuguese. I wonder if it really need be that I let go of my new-found language. Could it be
that I don't need to let it go as much as I really need to find a way to make room in my mind
and thought processes for English. Rather than revel in my lack of fluency, I should seek to
improve it through study and faith, just as I did to gain a great deal of fluency and expression
in Portuguese. Study English and the great vocabulary of the highly-educated shall be my course. I am both the pupil and the teacher, yet I shall learn from the Master Teacher, Jesus
Christ through the power of His Holy Spirit. The steps of faith are fulfilled in studying the correct
material knowing that these shall improve my mental lexicon. Faith shall also be satisfied
when I willingly go out on a limb to say something that I may not fully comprehend, but be
willing to learn to understand.
I recently rekindled an old love for reading. These novels are not of particular difficulty being
that the comprehension level is but semi-difficult for an adolescent. I love the adventure, the
thrill and the story. As I read I begin to feel a greater desire to search deeper into the context
and history mentioned in the novel.
Though I have put so little of the usual blips about myself, I put out some thoughts that welled up from deep within. I will expose some of my character and hope that the lack of usual blips will be forgiven. My character I believe to be of greater value than the small information that everybody has. My character nobody else may possess but me. It is the very essence of myself. The other
information is shared by others. Someone else was born on the same day as I (including such
celebrities as Wayne Gretski and Eddi Van Halen). Someone has the same name as I. Someone looks similar to me. But my character is engraved on my soul and no one may themselves share it with me.