Choices...

Over the course of some time I've been fascinated by the idea that everything about us really is the result of some choice we have made. I say it once more, everything. The way we think, the way we feel, personal habits, social habits, study habits, likes and dislikes and attitudes. The friends we have, the people we avoid, what we read, the list is potentially infinite. But all things considered, how often do we realize this truth? How often do we honestly try to blame someone else for our feeling a certain way? How often do we think that we just do certain things because that's who we are?
I've tried to remember that feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, or calm are all mine. The truth is that by a certain age we have defined how we will react to certain situations and henceforth others become our scapegoats because "they don't understand that doing [] makes me feel {}". Rather than do so, especially at work (that's where I often feel the most frustrated or irritated) I've re-assumed the helm to say "That no longer makes me angry" or "I'll do it without being frustrated". There's something incredible happening. I find myself going home and being less tense about the situation at work. I find my life becoming more peaceful. True the battle is not yet won. I must continue the practice until it becomes habit. I AM THE SHAPER OF MY DESTINY!
After this rambling I wish to insert a poem that I wrote in 2005 for a college-level literature class. What is described still holds true today.


How often I have contemplated on my own definition
escapes the count and numbering belonging to man.
I sit at a desk and type this poem, a privilege enjoyed only by this generation.
The school is mall and my class is even smaller.
I love to write, but this one hurts.
To put me into words cannot be fully done. Yet here
is the best I can do, just for you to enjoy.

I am a good person. Everybody tells me so.
I am a failute, can't even keep a high grade, whispers the dark voice.
I am an athlete that gives all I can.
I quit football and let my team down responds the darkness within.
I always do well in my religion classes.
I am the epitome of hypocrites screams my conscience.
I try my hardest. I give my best.
My best isn't enough and my stature doesn't measure up.
I have pure intents of serving others.
My intents are self-serving motives of glory.
I am humble before the world.
My school pride destroys my humility.
School is easy.
School is too hum-drum.
What?
WHY?!
When?
HOW LONG?!
I can make it. I can be good.
Temptation wears me down. I'm not strong enough.
Yes.
NO!
Be still.
SCREAM!
Stop. Stop. NO MORE!
Back to center. Back to focus.
Remember who I am and move forward with faith.
These many conflicts define me, shape me, mold me.
I have no idea why God wants me to resist the anger, but I do.
Pressure builds. Musical and prayerful release soothe.
God is near. God will uplift. Jeremiah, my roots,
means "God Will Uplift."