Tonight I seek an insight into myself. I realize that it has been a while and I detracted from my usual routine of posting weekly. There is change coming into my life. I have observed that when change comes I often let go of a few good, choice, or worthwhile habits. This is a challenge for me since a change often requires holding onto what I have attained to (as touching on habits I may develop) and acquire or acquiesce the new. Always my challenge has been to retain my good habits while encouraging the growth of the new. As time marches forth I shall stretch and grow in this regard.
I wish to write more with respect to relationships, but rather than write about my view on outward relationships and what I personally would do, I desire to analyze two types of relationships in existence. Finally, after examining the two types I wish to determine what I hope to cultivate of the said.
The first is the long-established relationship with friends. These are dear relationships, all of which have treasured moments in the past. Friends to me have always been near to the heart. Approximately eight and a half years ago I began to develop a certain discernment of people. I began seeing people in a new light and realized that those whom I had selected to be my friends were not all the best for me to have around. So amidst the treacherous grounds of high school (and being a freshman no less) I began hoping that great people would come my way, and I hoped to become a great friend to someone else. Great friends were found and dear friendships developed.
Now that I and these friends have aged and matured with time and experience I have to question: which of these friends do I stay closest to? Where do I draw lines for behavior? Should I allow certain friendships to decrease? Which of these is most vital for further development?
The male friends I have always enjoyed having as friends shall remain as friends. These relationships I feel actually need little to keep them alive. True they may not be as strong as they once were, but they have also bloomed and developed to the point that they are nearly self-sustaining.
The young women are a different story. With men, I can always go hang out and have a good time with. However, friendships with the ladies are intrinsically different. When they begin to date and fall in love with other men, I must respect that and back away. Be a friend, be kind, warm and courteous as always, but no more. I do not wish to intrude on her relationship with her boyfriend/male interest/husband/fiancee. In some cases it is also necessary so that I can more easily remove far from me any romantic feelings for said daughter of God.
Those sweet young ladies who are still single however deserve a little attention. Now is the time to get to know her on a personal, intimate level. I do not speak just of likes and dislikes but also of personality traits and characteristic behaviors. It's time to know her values and make sure that mine are not conflicting. It's time to assess the friendship and decide if such will blossom into marriage and romance.
Now there are friendships that are new. People I've recently met or begun to get to know. There are interesting, intriguing and impressive people whose path has so graciously crossed mine. These relationships deserve some attention. Being freshly planted in my life's garden, they too need nourishment.
I face a conundrum, a difficult one indeed. I have many cherished friendships. Many due to their existence during a particularly arduous time of my life. Then the second group, new ones. Do I keep the old ones and deny the new? Do I cut off the old ones entirely and cultivate the new? Do I cut back the old while nourishing the new? If the third, which do I keep and which do I let go?
When faced with needing to teach more people and wondering which investigators to keep, I often made a difficult decision, which to keep and which to let go. Those current investigators who were keeping their promises and commitments we were encouraged to continue teaching. Those who weren't were counted as former investigators with a prayer that they would eventually progress. Former investigators became such for the simple reason that they no longer kept or desired to keep their promises with the missionaries or the Lord. We did keep in touch with and visit them occasionally thereafter.
Relating this to my present condition I reach a conclusion a little easier. Especially since I'm rather concerned with dating and eventually marrying. Those lady friends who are dating or are too busy shall receive less contact from me. Those who are meeting with me receive more attention. The newer friends deserve attention as well. Both groups merit attention and care so that the relationship can progress.
I propose and self-searching question: to which group will I eventually give more importance the old friends or the new? Even more importantly, why? Do I give the old friends more time and attention because of the existing relationship? Do I develop the new friendships in order to meet new people? Do I begin dating exclusively an old friend to hang onto the memories? I've already written extensively about the past. I believe that if I date seriously an old friend now, it is because I'm rediscovering who she is. Also, if I chose rather to date a new friend it will be to discover this young lady. In both cases I hope to find great qualities that I would desire in the mother of my children and in my eternal companion.
Now I encounter another question: where do I find a balance with what I want and not demanding that she have all the qualities I want? Which qualities may come out with time and which need to be presently in practice? I understand the deeply personal aspect of the gospel and realize that all God's children are at varying levels of progress in their journey. So what do I look for being a practice and what do I hope will come out? What things might I hope go away?
I don't keep up with old friends much at all, largely because we've moved away. The only contact I have with some people is through my wife's Facebook account. That's okay, too; we only have so much time, and as my own family grows, I have less time for others. I like it when old friends cross my path, but the people who get my regular attention are my wife and kids. I also keep in touch with my parents and siblings from time to time by phone, but I only rarely do so with even the best of my old friends.
ReplyDeleteI like to ask people a question sometimes. I ask, "In one or two words, what do you value?" It doesn't have to be what they value the most; someone could answer "hot dogs" and I'd be satisfied. My own answer to my question used to be "friendship", and I still highly value friendship. In fact, I'd like to have more true friendship in my life right now than I do have. However, I find that my family members are more important than my friends.
So, if you're like me, even after you've invested time in other people, you'll later find that they've gone their own way. I don't know if it gives you any additional perspective, but in my life, being able to give more attention to friends was a luxury that diminished as I began my own family and as I became occupied with my work.
When it comes to dating, I'd say date new girls. Unless you really strongly feel that you want to be with someone you already know (and if you do, go after her), open yourself up to other possibilities. I never did much dating. Things have worked out very well for me, but I think that generally it's best to do a lot of very casual dating. Even if you don't develop a relationship with a girl, you can at least show her a good time.
I didn't do much dating because I lived in very social college houses and I quickly identified a lot of gals I knew I didn't want to marry.
A lot of people say they like a certain hair color or certain body characteristics, or they want someone with a certain type of personality, or they have any of various other requirements. What I decided was important for me was to marry someone who would want go with me to the temple regularly, someone whom I could help to learn and grow and who could help me to learn and grow. I understand that everyone has to work out their own salvation, and it's neither possible nor would it be appropriate for me to manage someone else's personal growth, but I do want to be helpful to others, especially my wife. Perhaps what is most important is to be matched up with someone is at a similar level of spiritual progress and who has similar goals. It could be very frustrating for a long time if you or your spouse are constantly mismatched in your level of devotion to God or if the two of you have distinctly different ideas of what you want to reach for in life. When it comes to flaws, some might not be a big deal if the person is seeking personal improvement, but again, it depends on what they’re shooting for.
People should be comfortable with each other and be attracted to each other. There's no one woman out there that is right for you, no "soul mate", though there are people with whom you'll be more naturally comfortable. In short, marry someone you actually want to marry, not just someone you think would be good to marry. A successful marriage takes work, but with some women it'll take a lot more work. Some people simply wouldn't make a good husband or wife at all as they are; be picky with prospective candidates for marriage.
Hah. There's rambling for you.
It has been so long that I've heard the perspective of someone who is single, and a single male in particular. It's interesting. I have been married almost eleven years (wow, I sound really old) but it wasn't so long ago that I remember being on the other side and I thought you might like to hear the view of the "other" side.
ReplyDeleteObviously the most important thing when looking for an eternal companion is prayer. I never would have married my husband if I hadn't received the answer He gave me.
If you have had an answer to your prayer that you should keep looking, that is definitely what you should do. Sometimes it's easier to date girls you already know, it's often more comfortable, but just think of who you might be missing out on.
My suggestion would be to keep an open mind and ask new girls on dates, until you find that one that you can't imagine letting go.
Also, while you should definitely keep your sights on girls who share your faith I would definitely keep an open mind after that. I think you will be surprised that girls that don't fit a certain "mold" are often the ones that make the very best wives. And having differences makes it exciting and fun.
Good luck!