Return

I miss the days when I blogged or wrote in my journal.  I feel like I was more aware of my emotions, that my thoughts were better organized, and that I had greater mastery of myself. Reflecting on that period, I seemed to have more emotional control, more focus on where I wanted to be, and I recovered from hard times more quickly. Now I feel like a messy ball of yarn, nearly spent with emotions ruling my actions and my words, my direction isn't so sure, and recovering from hard blows takes longer.
Is it really because of the writing, or lack thereof, that I sense this change? Or is the change because I'm finally settling into more adult responsibilities and roles? I am pursuing a college education. I own a car. I file taxes annually. There are bills in my name and debts which I owe. Is the change then because the blows are harder, more direct, yet subtle?
Did writing make a difference? Perhaps so, but perhaps only to the extent of helping me organize my thoughts and direct my counter-attack. The struggles I believe to be harder and to last longer and my counter, if any, is half-hearted because it is so ill-prepared.
Let this be a return, a return to writing. May my self-mastery return and my counterstrike be more swift and sure. May God bless my family through my efforts. He already gives us so much because of my wife's work.

Reflections on post mission life...

You might look at might life and see very little change over the last three and a half years. I still drive the same car I did three years ago. I'm living in Pleasant Grove, again. Not in school. Just working. Working a job which pays well enough for life to be somewhat comfortable. You might see all that and think that I haven't changed much over the last while. If you've been following my blog for the last couple of years, you'll know this isn't true. There's been stretching and growing. There have been drastic changes. My job isn't physical, manual labor any more (and yes, I've put on some weight because it's a desk job). I never thought I'd take a job answering phones. I never thought a customer support job would pay this much either. I've married my sweetheart and the love of my life. I've spent time and effort in fixing and maintaining my car. I've given up TV and occasionally returned to watching a little. I've read some twenty plus books in the last year. I've been in and then back out of school temporarily while my wife finishes school. So in three years, you really could say that I've changed quite a bit. Thanks to the changes and growth, I've found a zeal and zest for life, such as I've never known. I was a serious, somewhat sour, quiet person. I laugh more often and smile more. I find myself happy to come home, very happy. My sweet wife is very often waiting at home for me. She isn't here tonight though... School has taken her to Wyoming tonight and she won't return until tomorrow. Truth is, I haven't seen her since early this afternoon... I won't see her again until tomorrow... Tomorrow when I get home from work. I miss her and will miss her all day tomorrow. I know she'll be here tomorrow night though, and that thought makes me happy. It gives me something to look forward to.

My Anchor

I used to consider myself a calm person. I must have been 11 or 12 because I was pretty naive and unaware of myself. At the time, I knew I had a temper, but I also did my best to keep it at bay. Looking back, I lied to myself quite frequently about my personality. I had my long stretches of calm from time to time, but in a most irregular pattern, my emotions come back up. I try to be calm in the storm; I try to be faithful and trusting that God is in control.
I can go on for days, weeks, and even months when everything just seems to be smooth sailing. I get just enough wind to fill my sails and press forward. When the wind dies, I go down to the oars and get to work. During a storm, I guess I'm no longer as sure about my best course of action. There are times that I wish I could bring in the sails and hunker down below deck. It seems that as an adult, I feel more and more the need to put on my best rain gear and stay on deck through it all. I hope while I'm at the helm steering my life through the storm that Christ, my captain and chief, will guide me.
There are days that I just love my job. I feel like I've helped somebody move forward with their life or their business. I feel like I've brightened somebody's day. These days are awesome days. They're the days that make all the work worthwhile.
Then there are days that started with the weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday right at the end of my shift a call came in and I had less than ten minutes left on the phones. Both nights it was a call that extended further out than I wanted it to. I just wanted to go home to my waiting wife. Frustrating, but livable situations. I'll deal with that just fine. I get off and it's over.
Those two final, extra long calls are followed by last night:
"I'm so sorry you couldn't do what I thought you would be able to do"
"I don't know why I wasted my time or anyone else's time with this"
"You sound just like every other jerk that works at [business's name]"
The last one was my last call last night. I've never been so frustrated, mad, or upset at this job. When the gentleman launched into that rant, I just hung up on him. My job is to smooth out transactions and, when necessary, make decisions on cases. I'm not the complaint department nor am I paid to sit and listen while you complain about this and that.
There were a couple of calls last night that pushed me to the brink of screaming back at these people, "WHY DON'T YOU GROW UP AND READ THE USER AGREEMENT?!?!" "I KNOW LIFE ISN'T FAIR, YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT!!"

I was at wits' end last night. My job requires professionalism and efficiency. When I reached my breaking point I saw that I wouldn't be able to complete my job the way it needs to be done. I shouldn't pass forward any upset emotion or anger from the previous caller, but I was to the point that I knew I would. So I logged out, clocked out, and walked to my car. My emotions were getting the best of me, but I wouldn't let them get the best of me while talking to somebody else.
Last night, I was reminded just how passionate I can be, how full of emotion I can be. These emotions make me human and remind me that I'm alive. At the same time, these emotions can get me to run my ship aground. Or bury my head in a sack of flour in the hold. Or run around like a chicken that is missing it's head. The situation is going to require more and more than I maintain a firm grip on the steering wheel, even in the face of a monstrous wave.

My anchor is Christ. He made it through when other, lesser men would have given in. Christ being my anchor, and a firm and true anchor He is, I don't want a small rope to attach Him to me. In fact, I want a chain. I want a heavy, tempered stainless steel chain. Nothing wimpy or sissy about it. And I like to think of the links in the chain as being people and spiritual experiences in my life.
As I fought through the storm of emotion that followed me last night, my wife was my first link. Closest to me and strong. She is the love of my life. I love her more every day. She's my biggest fan and my best friend.

Musings on Marriage

My wife has written a few words regarding married life and of late she has encouraged me to do the same. Many thoughts encircle my mind regarding marriage. I'll but, share a few of them now.
Primarily, I have noticed an immensely increased amount of love and happiness in my life. Once upon a time I thought that I'd be happy as a married man. That thought has matured into so much more than I imagined. I knew I loved my wife before we were actually married. I loved her dearly. A day away from her was often brutal on my emotions; that's saying nothing about being away for several days. Now, while we spend much of our days apart, I happily come home to see her lovely face. I love this woman enough that I do things I hadn't considered before.
Perhaps the biggest sign of more love in my life is around our little home. My days off are in the middle of the week while she is at school. We have the option of cable TV in our home, but haven't used it beyond general conference a month ago which indicates that I have not reverted back to watching TV all day. Instead, I pop in a movie and clean house. Depending on our dinner plans, sometimes I'll even have that ready so that when she comes home we can have a good meal together.
I'm more open with my wife than any other person on earth. We subjects that I didn't often discuss with other people. There are times that I'll tap into her knowledge of medicine (she's a CNA and now studying to be a COTA).
Today, I wrote her a letter and taped it to the light switches so that she'll find it when she comes home. I thought I knew what love was like. Most of what I knew was infatuation or puppy-love. Sometimes it might have been twitterpation. This is so much more.
We made a collage and taped it under our living room table (it has a glass surface). If you were to see it, you'd see pictures of our adventures over the last year. We're BFFs, for real and really forever

Update and another six month review...

I have slacked for quite a while now. Between planning and preparing for a wedding, working in the singles ward, going to school, moving to an apartment, and spending time with my sweetheart, writing here became a much lower priority. I do believe that I'm overdue for a six month review, but first, I'm going to start with an update.
I don't believe it was too long after my last post that Kayley and I found the perfect apartment. We wandered around Utah County looking at four-plexes, duplexes, single family apartments, and even a mother-in-law apartment or two. Now, the first mother-in-law "suite", (if it can be called that), was situated above a garage. The garage was full of junk and garbage. To get to the apartment, one had to open a door that was hanging by a single hinge, the other two having long since given out. That's not to mention that the house was located in a very isolated neighborhood near some farm fields. I would've taken a four-plex apartment over that place. The feeling was just awful.
We wouldn't let this get us down, however. There were still two more apartments for rent that we had pulled from KSL. The next one took a little work to find the address. The address was at a beautiful home in an older, quite, developed neighborhood. Just knocking on the door, we felt so much better spiritually. The difference was certainly a night to day one. We walked into the apartment, this one also a mother-in-law set-up, and just knew that we wanted to live there. We put in our applications, said a prayer, and crossed our fingers. A week or so later, the landlord called me to give me the green light, with one condition. At least one of us had to move in sometime in February. My aunt, Cristy, was moving right around the first part of the month, so I volunteered to move on the 1st of February.
Later after being called about the apartment, I received another piece of good news. eBay was calling me to say they wanted me to come to work for them. I would be in a training class for 6 weeks, but they didn't have enough people to fill the class yet. The recruiter wanted to let me know that I would have a job at eBay and that she would call me back as soon as they had a start date for the class.
The rest of January was filled with stuff. Kayley surprised me with a cake and a thousand pieces of paper wishing me a happy birthday. We posed and posed for our engagement/invite/announcement pictures. I was still attending school. I filled out job applications like a madman just looking for something to do while I waited for eBay to pull through on a date.
In February I executed a move of my own, helped Cristy with her move, sent out a bundle of wedding announcements, spent a weekend in Smithfield, took Kayley to the Orem Institute Valentines' Dance, worked on my car some more, and spent time with Kayley.
Now March was eventful. eBay finally called with a start date that worked for me. I stopped in Bountiful to see my American Greeny, Chris Yates. I was married in the temple to the love of my life. We missed a flight to New York, so we spent a week in California instead.
Thus far, I'm loving married life :D
So, the last six months really shook things up. From proposing to getting married. Moving into my own place. Fixing my car numerous times. Getting a new job, which I am loving. Yup, life is good around here.

To my young friends who are thinking about a mission

All I will say is GO! Get ready, don't look back, and go. The Lord will care for your family, girlfriend, car, stereo, CD's, iPod, etc...but you need to go. There is no greater blessing that awaits you. It will change your life IF you'll go with faith and serve completely. Give it your everything. The Lord will bless you and turn you into a tool for righteousness.
Be aware that if you go, Satan will do all he can to stop you. He'll lie to you, make you worry about school, some girl, your car WHATEVER HE CAN TO DISTRACT YOU. He does NOT want you to reach your full potential as a servant of God. Be faithful. Leave the girls alone, they're trouble until you're ready to get married. That deserves a repeat: LEAVE THE GIRLS ALONE!! THEY'RE ONLY GOING TO CAUSE TROUBLE UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!
To the sweet, young sisters that want to serve, you are loved by God. To Him, you become even more precious and beautiful for serving. If it's your desire, go on a mission. Especially if you feel that the Lord wants you to.
Remember you are loved, all of you. Remember that you are able to do so much good if you'll put away the video games, MP3 players, computers, and TV and go do something outside. There's nothing for you in those things. Let them go. Do something good for someone else today.

Sports

While I have previously made sports metaphors in this blog I have come to a certain conclusion: we have lost the spirit of the game. In our desire to be the best (note that is rather than being our best) we have become uber-competitive, arrogant, and even hateful towards opposing teams. Rivalries have turned friendly games into a death match that in the end only further perpetuates the negative connotation associated with the opponents. What may have begun as a way to recreate and enjoy outdoor activities has become a monstrous advertising campaign deluged with reasons one's team is better than the other.
Frankly I'm reminded of high school sports when I see such begin amongst the collegiate athletes. The scenes send me back to the days of yelling, screaming, working my guts out, and standing on the sidelines proving to the crowd and the "enemy" that we were better, stronger, and faster; proving our superiority.
The college level ups the ante with instant replays, different regulations, considerable size differences (between that of their high school counterparts), and roaring fans that rival any professional sporting event. It's sickening to watch the flaunted pride, vanity, haughtiness, and arrogance be rewarded with such attention, devotion, and job offers. Logically the teams want to win. Logically this requires that players be able to play their position well and that they be faster, stronger, more agile, or more quick-thinking than their colleagues.
I digress to my original observation: we have lost the true spirit of sports. I'd love to see inter-school sports become a friendly way to enjoy the out-of-doors, spend time exercising, and stretching one's mind of the game. I'd like to see a return to things being a game. That's all it is. It wasn't about who won or lost or who is better. Why can't it be anymore? What's so bad about gathering together without making enemies of those who could be our friends? What's so bad about playing hard and well without keeping score, taunting the other team or making such a public display of our pride?
Mind you, I do not watch sports anymore. Not college and certainly not professional. It's not worth watching and wondering, "Why?" The next time I get together with friends to play a little game that's all it will be, a game. Like a video game system it will go away and remain turned off once all is said and done. It won't be about proving who is right or wrong, strong or weak, developed or immature. It will be about a good time, sportsmanship, and recreation.